sporadic ramdon thots occurring often these days. jaded by work, as usual. been contemplating on reaching out for a tiny glimmer of hope, a change of heart to someplace else. not better. just different.
looking back at my past years, it's disappointing and perhaps despairing to see i've lost that passion and optimism at what i'm doing. cynicism really just eats you up whole. i'm not saying i hate the job, just not interested in it as before. or at least that's what i felt for now.

while having one of our many moments, had an "in-depth" discussions with the boys about work, on how it always seems able to suck the life out of us. how time seems to just pass us by without us noticing the view. how all of us expects different things from our hopes and dreams, and funny how life slaps you in the face and twists our fates in such a way that what we achieve is far different from what we set out for. or atleast what we told ourselves we would set out for. and so we laugh. laugh at our own sillyness to believe that life will deliver satisfaction on a plate, without us needing to try so darn hard. they laugh even harder knowing how great my expectations are.. or is it a were now?..
am disappointed that i drifted apart from living the kind of life i desire.. disappointed that perhaps i've been such a disappointment to them, that none of them really bother taking time to get to know me, the me beneath my smiley facade. i feel sick at how disgusting i am in doing things and saying words just to please people, just to work the crowd. if it was up to me, i would have glared at them for laughing, stomp right out of the room and never look back.