faithless faith




















that big round cotton ball.


i've been hankering for simplicity these days, wanting to clean things out, purge the things i don't use, pare everything down to minimize the chaos in my space. i think some ppl vacuum and it has the same effect, but mine are hardwood floors and it's not as satisfying, so i gave away my old clothes instead. heh.

i have this idea that if i just clear everything out, it'll be like swiffing my brain. and there is so much to swiff in my brain!

esp work.

when it comes to work, i don't have the same kind of faith within myself. the messes, the worries. makes me afraid and confused and at most made me want to quit or rewind. or start fresh. i have no faith in the in-between. i don't move through my mess for long enought to see how it all fits together.

so yeah. i need a major brain swiff. *rolleyes*

but, i stick with it, willing to keep at it. and at this very point of things falling apart when i feel like i have nothing more to lose, the preciousness and control flies out the door. in other words, i don't give a phuck anymore.

it just amazes me at how we often felt so oppressed by our own self-made chaos. a prisoner of our own making. heh.

so how do i do this? have this kind of faithless faith? trust what is happening now when it's rotten and not all what i've planned?

how do i trust what i didn't plan?

***

can't wait to leave. even if it's just for awhile. i need my own time back. heh.